DD is not feeling well.
work, school has stressed him enough.
now his dad is hospitalised...
reasons why I won't say la. nothing to be proud of.

so no doubt he is grumpy and kinda vents on me.
quite unfair cause when I am upset and whines to him,
he isn't so patient and giving to me.
whereas now, I gotta bear with him.

oh well, love is never a fair trade.

I just returned from cell group.

And God spoke to me through today's message. Thanks to Shih Yuan for sharing the word!

Lately I've been feeling down, and definitely put the test.
from my eyes to my work to my relationships...

but Shih Yuan highlighted James 1:2-4 today as we were discussing Jesus's 40day trials and temptations.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops persererance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
then it dawned upon me that perhaps all the sucky stuff I've been facing lately are just tests that God wants to discipline me with. To be a better and stronger person.

I will trust and obey and say 'Yes, Lord!' I am more than a conquerer and will triumph in His name.

During the word, the hymn rang in my heart:
Turn my eyes upon Jesus, and look into His wonderful face, and the things on earth shall grow strangely dim, in His glory and grace.
I've been in the world too much.
I look at the world and feel distressed,
I look at myself and feel stressed,
but I shall look upon the Lord, and I will find rest. Amen!

My eyes will be beautiful, in His time! Don't fret!

Maybe I love you too much that's why I easily get hurt.

You say nothing has changed but why do I feel so?
You're less sensitive, less patient, less dependable, less sweet to me me now.
I was never always strong, so I thought I can share my weaknesses with you but you don't seem too receptive.

Then why do you tell me you love me so much you're willing to die for me?
It confuses me.
I don't need you to die. I just need you to be with me.

But this isn't the first time you've turned away from me when I'm upset so I should have known better.

I know you're busy with work, school, new job, new car.
Sorry I added to your stress.

my gawd.
what a turn of events.

I didn't return to work on Mon as doctor asked me to go for last min review.
In the end, had a third surgery to lift it yet again.

Should be final one already, cause it does look evidently better right now.
But tell you.. it was shit painful! 100X painful than the previous two times...

I was not sedated, and had minimal anaesthesia.
plus, the wound was not well healed previously so had to cut open again to lift the muscles. this time also cut off extra skin... it was crazily bloody.

I could feel every nip and tuck, and could see the blood as the nurse and doctor were busy drying off my ooze with swap sticks and gauze... yikes... I haven't experienced labour before but this is sure worse than childbirth I bet!

before 3rd surgery:

after 3rd surgery:


very swollen ya. the stitches are like Frankenstein and pokes out like cactus... real yucky. but it is higher, and no extra crease when I look. and the doctor this time was a changed person! she was not rude and was more patient and very concerned about the unforeseen droop. so she did her best in this final op.

anyway so I had extended hospitalisation leave to recover. feel very guilty towards work as I have to MIA yet again. never expected this to be so jialet.

nevertheless, I am working from home. I think my boss and team-mates have been very kind to allow me to stay at home, and even cover some of my duties.

but the past two days working from home have been quite upsetting, I know I'm the blur sort, but didn't realise I'm this blur.
I don't feel very in sync with my team, as in, I keep missing-the-point and making typos and my turnaround is not as quick as theirs.
Am I that incompetent? In my previous job scope, I was given autonomy and usually got the job done right without much advice. Now, I seem to be under performing and even getting reprimanded constantly.

Man, I can't even survive.. talk about thriving in this new job scope.

I told myself that I would work hard when I return to work, to make up for my loss, and to get a salary grade advancement and good increment coming appraisal. But now, I'm just demoralised. Boo...

I just pray that my eyes will quickly recover, become symmetrical, and beautiful! And I will be granted strength and wisdom to conquer work, my boss and my team!
Dear God, bless the rest of my 2009.

less than 2 days before I return to work...
I've been on hospitalisation leave for almost two weeks.
though my leave expires on Wed, I think I've been MIA far longer than expected, so I will be returning to work on Mon.

this timeoff has been pretty good, pretty bad.
bad cause I was upset and emo for more than half the time.
overly concerned about my eyes and worrying that they are asymmetrical.
other times, I try to preoccupy myself so that I will stop fretting.
this was the good. I managed to do some housekeeping, update my picasa, my blog, msn and caught up with many my longlost friends. hurray!

the workaholic streak in me wants to get back to work quick.
I've got so many responsibilities to follow-up and fulfil!
but I've begun to enjoy this slack period... and wish I can sloth around longer. catch up with friends. hee. but nah, think better get back to work so I can avoid dwelling in my many-mirrored home and stop looking at my reflection and worrying about my eyes.

enjoy the weekend... then goodbye slack, hello work!

I've been crying for the past hour.

this would probably hurt the healing process of my eyelids but I can't help it.

I have low self-esteem,
low internal locus of control
and low eyelids. (!)

I’ve had a disappointing blepharoplasty. or rather, 2 blepharoplasties.

let me recount my story.

I went to see a doctor bc I had multiple creases above my left eyelid, making my eyelids not symmetrical.
I don’t like so I wanna go check out why and possible treat it to make even with my right one

So I saw a doctor… She diagnosed that my lids, both, not only left one, drooped bc of extensive contact lens wear… now I have perfect eyesight la since I’ve done lasik in 2007… but previously I wore contact lens for 10 years… so by pulling the lids often, stretched and weakened the livator muscles thus so. She also said I have ptosis as my eyelids were lower than normal and covered about ¼ of my pupils, plus my long lashes covered ½ in all… just like snuffy.

This impedes my vision so she advised blepharoplasty to lift my eyelids up.
I went there thinking I only wanna treat one side, but she recommended two for symmetry and take opportunity to lift both sides during this time. After much deliberation, I decided to go for double bleph.

As mentioned in previous post, the op was shit painful. So I won’t re-describe my ordeal.
Basically you can imagine by seeing the aftermath.


Day after, eye still not even as described in earlier post as well. in fact it's like worse!




I was quite pissed with the doctor by then but I credited the asymmetry to other factors as well so I decided to let her to the correction

Looks better right

Day after

Not as bad as before but kinda weird again!
Wth happened...

I can't help but dwell in self pity.
I just feel horrid. I’ve spent so much money and time. but this is what I get.
a lousy doctor.
a painful surgery.
a disappointing result.
the same bitch doctor.
a second painful surgery.

a second disappointing result.
my family has been pretty caring n concerned but I think they've begun to lose patience.
they too can tell that my left eye is starting to droop again.
and they all make different comments and give different advice.
mom says it's all my fault to begin with....
bri says I should just leave my eye alone and wait till tmr so see if it gets better. but when she overheard me on webcam with caizheng debating whether to return to same doc or seek second opinion with someone else, she flared up saying that she already told me to wait till tmr to see how but I keep whining to caizheng.
first don't know why she eavesdropping, second she interrupted our conversation, third so what, I deserve all right to whine to my bf right.
dad tries to be nice but I’m already hurt by the first two so I don't wanna talk to him either.

meanwhile caizheng ignorant to how awful I feel went jogging.

I feel so shit.
cause I think I did make a wrong choice abt this doctor.
but I thought she would be reliable as she's from SNEC, plus I googgled her after I visited her the first time, and the results were pretty impressive, her hubby is some clinical researcher too.
I did also get a second opinion with a cosmetic surgeon, and his diagnosis and advice was the same.
so I thought it would be safer to stay with the first doctor, moreover I already invested so much in the first consultation. don't waste right...
but this mentality is wrong. don't ever think that bc you invested so much already, then you have to be stuck with this forever. (same as the wife-beater concept)
DD told me to go back to her for review, bc she has been following my case and would know best. but lynn recommends seeing another doctor for another opinion since this one has been sucha bitch.
if I see her again, it might not be successful since her track record with me has proven so and I would have to pay another hefty sum for such a c-grade service.
I shouldn't continue to get abused, I should see a new doctor right?

I should have followed my gut feeling right from the start.
when I first met her, she appeared nice. but from the way she asks you to shh when you want to question her about the details, I sensed she was quite yaya.
she would say "my dear, leave the technical bits to me ok?"
grace says this is not a nice doctor, bc she nv explain the details and risks to the patient. and I stupid stupid let it happened.
she would tell my mom to shh whenever my mom starts to talk about my eyes. I know my mom is quite talkative but she is damn rude to tell her to shh right...
and know what she said before she did the second operation?
"vermillion, I need you to be mentally prepared because there won't be much anesthesia or sedation this time again. it is going to be painful and that's why we only do this in adults..." she thought I didn't get her insinuation of saying that I was a baby when I cried during the first surgery. she doesn't know how pain of course since not her eyes. and call me a kid, ya I cried la, but who says she can so unempathetic and rude. bitch.
she also said, just before she was about to start the second operation,
"vermillion, I just want to let you know, that actually most doctors would think this is already pretty good" obviously telling me her first job was already well-done, now she just doing a bit of enhancement cause I think not that perfect. I think she must be shit blind to say most doctors would think this is already pretty good. I just stared at her with my one eye big, one eye small. she went ahead to do the correction nevertheless.
very aggressive, very dominating woman. high eagle-owl.
maybe that's why I kinda got conned thinking she is very knowledgeable and skilled, and didn't question her much.
but on hindsight, she proved herself the bitch that I suspected her to be.

I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about my eyes right now.
I’m also not sure if I’m gonna file a complaint/ lawsuit which my mom keeps rooting for.
but do note, if you can help it, do not go to Singapore National Eye Centre, and especially use the services of Dr Audrey Looi.

I feel quite foolish about the whole thing. maybe I should have just lived with my imperfect creased left eyelid. but now...
anyway I didn't really want to blog abt this.
but right now, I don't really have anyone I can talk or rather whine to.
no one gives a damn.

hello blog.

never did I imagine that I would be blogging here so soon again. n that it would be about something... not so happy. n that it would be related to DD.

recently I had bleph for my ptosis.
originally I had multiple creases in my left eyelid. on top of being unsightly (though most do not notice), it is quite uncomfortable too.
so I visited a specialist at SNEC to treat this. somehow, she diagnosed me as having ptosis so her advice was a double bleph, not only to even my eyelids but to lift them up so that I can have clearer vision. i.e. no more Snuffleupagus.

ok so I went ahead. thinking it would be simple and fuss free.

but hell no.
I had the surgery on tues and it was !@#$%^&* pain.
bc I had to be awake to open my eyes time and time during the surgery to measure symmetry, I couldn't be sedated or put on much anesthesia.
so I could sensationally feel all the nips and tucks and cuts and tweaks etc etc... PAINFUL.
I cried halfway on the operating bed.
doctors were quite shocked, and I am disgusted with their surprise bc it was really shit painful ok. how can they be surprised.
oh ya, forgot they are unempathetic. which I only concluded on hindsight.

so anyway I was just plain miserable.
I was still sobbing after exiting the ot.

but I am blessed. mom was there to care for me.
she fed me the tasteless chicken sandwich hospital provided which miraculously comforted me and stopped my crying.
dad came to pick us up and send us home.

I felt a lot better. but I was yearning for more than mom, dad or chicken sandwich.
I wanted DD. to sayang me.
I just wanted to be a baby and just drown in his TLC.

but DD was at work. so I could only phone him to complain and whine.
he was concerned for sure, but after I updated him on my painful experience, he digressed to his successful job hunt. which of course makes any gf proud. but wouldn't give any gf who just had a painful op any relieve or comfort.
I thought it was my time to bitch abt the surgery. but I had to share the limelight. sigh
anyway he mentioned that perhaps he would come visit me that evening after work.
which of course he didn't in the end. bc he claimed I was recuperating and didn't want to disturb me. Excuses… *rolls eyes*

Wed, day after surgery, I went for review with the doctor.
and lo and behold, my left eye still drooped.
I would like to branch into another story altogether about the disappointing doctor and bleph. but I would skip that and just summarise to how upset I was.
In short, I might need to go for rework.

so of course I want DD again.
I want to show him my eyes and ask him how bad they were.
but he didn't visit me again. I forgot why.

I was upset on that evening bc I fret going for corrective surgery. So I cried in my bedroom. I was caught by my sister and dad. And got my whole family worried. But DD was not aware.

I was also doubly upset. Bc I recalled of how long long ago DD rode all the way to my house to pass me zambuk when I casually told him I got many blue-blacks after paintball. And at that time we weren’t even ‘together’. Now, even it is a more pressing circumstance, it’s just so hard for him to visit me.
How I miss courtship and honeymoon period.

anyway on thurs, DD took leave bc he had another job interview. which turned out to be another successful job offer.
hurray, I can be a tai tai le. but that's not the point, priority for me is his TLC.
which I thought I could finally feed on when he visited me in the afternoon.

yes of course I tasted that bit but I craved for more. Well bc I am simply upset. And I deserve some quality care and concern.
But DD came to my house, and didn’t address me or my bleph as the primary reason for the visit.
The topics at the tip of his tongue were 1) weather very hot 2) XXX offered me this 3) I downloaded new game for iphone 4) I very tired, I gotta pia here and there… 5) oh BB, your eyes…
Hmpff, I’m not in the top 3 list. I have to share my time with other insignificant things...

Anyway fast forward to the weekend, I still feel indignant bc he is still entertaining all the other stuff, and I don’t feel prioritise.

Like he scolded me for not picking up my handphone, I told him he can call my house if I didn’t answer bc I usually leave it in my room but hang out in the living room. But he was so impatient and harsh over sucha small matter. I mean, if he really meant to contact me, why can’t call my house phone?

Then he came to my house on sat, and we gotta share our time with iphone. Because he downloaded many new games and wanted to play with me e.g. Monopoly.
It was quite fun la, cause my counter, Sumo, runs like a real sumo on the gameboard. So cute! But anyway… I don’t wanna share my time with iphone or Sumo! That’s not the point~!
Anyway he thinks he can kill two birds with one stone, by entertaining me and playing with his iphone.
But actually he is discounting time with me! Unfortunately, he didn’t think so. He thinks he so smart. Poo..

I didn’t feel like I got the TLC I deserved so I whined to him just now.
But he didn’t get my point.

He just kept saying over and over that whatever he is going is for our future.
I know he is working hard for our future, and I am so so very proud of him.
but don't know why he can't see that I’m very upset about the bleph and need him badly.
he can even say "don't you think you are different after your surgery?"
it's precisely why I am different. Why I’ve become more needy and sticky.
when did he become so blind and insensitive. (this reminds me of another hurting remark he made just a couple of weeks ago - but I will avoid that. bc he accuses me of being a historian every time I dig out a piece of evidence from the past)

whatever, in brief, he was much more giving and selfless in the past.
Now, I not only have to make it explicit and ask for affection, but don’t even get it after I open my mouth.
I seek but I don’t receive. Poo..
Now I’ve become afraid to talk to or ask anything from him,
Because he will misunderstand that I’m complaining and not supporting him, and blame me for trying to pick a fight.
Shit, I lost my right as a gf to get affection.
Now I must give my right to new job, new phone. Dammit.

Don’t know if this successful job hunt is bane or boon…
I feel that he thinks that it is justified to concentrate on job hunting and attention for me will be secondary since good job=good future for us, attention for me=later then give also can.
he obviously prioritises long-term goals and neglects short-term goals.
he says that he is unhappy with me calling him a papaya.
I labeled him so cause I think he is beginning to show signs of yaya-ness and mcp-ness esp so when he has been successful at his job hunt
ok maybe he isn't a papaya, as he believes and claims, but I definitely feel so!
I used to be his princess if not queen and can command waves and winds and demand his undividing attention.
now compared to his latest highlight which is his job switch and stupid boytoy iphone, I am like a forgotten concubine. moreover with a failed bleph which pains physically and emotionally.

Heart-breaking that I have to sign out of MSN to avoid quarrelling with him n pretend I got disconnected…
Heart-breaking that I have to reply his SMSes curtly to distance myself n pretend that I am sleeping…
Heart-breaking that I have to relieve my sorrows here, instead of having heart-to-heart talk with DD…

This is not what a healthy couple would do right...
Looks like we still have much to learn…

after these few days, I suspect I might be getting too attached to and dependent on DD.
I think it's good to be attached to your loved one and be able to depend on him.
but it comes to a point when u feel, even if it is just a teeny bit, unloved or unwanted or undesired, that you might be already asking or hoping for too much.
*enlightenment*

When we first started out, I was independent and work was my priority.
He’d complain.
Somehow later, I put him as priority, and perhaps grew a little too addicted to him and our relationship.
But himself has already reversed his priorities.
Men are sucha tricksters, first con you to think that you are indispensible, then later show you then that they can do without you, but make sure you can’t do without them.
So now I’ve become that needy clingy loser xiao nu ren.
Gosh.
What an evolution.

I still love DD.
and I know he is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.
as the MCYS tvc puts it, “beautifully imperfect”.
He may be insensitive and immature, but I will accept all these traits, because they just add up to a beautifully imperfect DD. (and just make me feel and look more forgiving and big-hearted. Good on me!)

nevertheless I now know better.
don’t dwell in self-pity.
But if you can’t resist,
you can depend on only Him.
The one who will never forsake you.
others are just human.

So tmr I will self-medicate by going cold turkey.
(hmpf, men…)
.
.
.

needing. a generous serving of well-deserved, unrequested TLC.
wanting. a pair of beautiful eyes.
getting. none of the above.

blogging. still an incredible comfort after all this time away.

guess no one reads me anymore
for I’ve neglected this space.

but really, I haven't forsaken my blog. just erm... too consumed by work. or maybe I consume work.

and lest u misunderstood, the last post was Goodbye to something else. or rather, someone else.
not Goodbye to blogging.
heh

anyO... there's much to update.
work-wise, I’ve been seconded twice to different work locations.
that means I’ve had 3 different job scopes in my span of 1.5 years with KOM...
always evolving, always growing...
it's been tough. steep learning curve, new bosses, new workmates, new opportunities.
but I embrace all. bc I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

love-wise, very good.
I don't want to brag but I’m pretty sure I’ve found The One. Amen.
he's everything good for me n I think I’m everything good for him.
there are ups and downs in any healthy relationship so we've had our fair share, and we're all ready to carve our bright future together.
think marriage, home, babies... hehehe. oh, I'm typical woman.

other than the above two majors,
I’ve been busy with my company-sponsored grad dip in training and development at shri.
n sunday school, n a little of cell.

and the most recent event would be...
blepharoplasty to treat my pstosis.
that also explains y i'm so free to come online to resurrect my long-dead blog.
... bc i'm on hospitalisation leave! heh.

'nuff said, i'm quite upset abt my blep so no elaboration.

perhaps, if it interests u, u can do some catching up on my whereabouts this past year at:
http://picasaweb.google.com/mybabypillow

hopefully I would be a more frequent blogger hereafter. (as if)